The keys to making a marriage last a lifetime

June has arrived, and with it thoughts of summertime. June used to be the biggest month for weddings — back in the days when many couples were married right after graduation. In the 1960s, the average age of first marriage was 22 for men and 20 for women. Fifty years later, the ages have risen to 28 for men and 26 for women.

I think that’s a good thing. Beginning marriage with a little more maturity may give couples more of a chance for a long-lasting relationship.

I know that some clergy don’t like to do weddings. The reasons vary, from bossy mothers-of-the-bride to over-the-top weddings that cost more than the couple’s first home. While those factors are real, I must admit that I enjoy weddings — or, more accurately, I enjoy working with couples as they prepare for marriage. At the church I serve, we offer five full-day marriage preparation seminars each year, led by all of our pastors. This gives us a chance to get to know these couples better and to share insights into what makes marriages work. While statistics show that the divorce rate today is 50 percent, a study at UCLA revealed that the divorce rate for couples who were committed enough to take a marriage preparation seminar dropped to 8 percent — a rather startling statistic.

So what do we cover in these seminars? The subjects include basic communication and how to handle conflict. (We remind couples, “If the two of you always agree, one of you is unnecessary!”) We discuss the role of religious faith in marriage as one of the deepest forms of intimacy. We bring in a financial advisor to talk about money, which is one of the greatest sources of marital stress. We help couples talk about sexuality, and to learn the “love language” of their partners.

One of my favorite parts is the presence, over lunch, of folks we call “the voices of experience” — a newlywed couple, an empty-nest couple, and a couple married more than 50 years. Their wisdom, their humor, and their sense of perspective are always priceless. I remember one sweet couple in particular who had been married well over the half-century mark. She said, “Well, we’ve always been best friends.” Then he said, “As I get older I get deafer … and sometimes that helps!”

If you ask me what one factor seems to make a marriage work, I suppose I would say that those couples do best who know intuitively that life isn’t all about them — that one of the most helpful of virtues is unselfishness. There are those people who worry less about whether they are happy than how they can add to the happiness of the other. That’s why someone once said that marriage is not 50/50, but 100/100.

The second attribute is simple delight. Couples who are able to delight in each other tend to wear well. Husbands and wives who are also the best of friends tend to stay together.

Come to think of it, these qualities don’t just make for good marriages, they make for good people. Remember that life isn’t all about you, and learn how to delight in others. Master that, and it’s pretty hard not to be happy.