Photography Courtesy of Tommy Garcia, Virginia Sherwood, Jonathan Zizzo & Bravo

One of my sister’s favorite Christmas movies as a kid was this weird movie called “A Mom for Christmas” where a mannequin came to life. My mom spent an entire Christmas season hunting for a copy of the film, because we lost ours, and she eventually bought the Olivia Newton-John led movie off of eBay. I was in middle school at that point, and it was too scary for me, a man who loves horror movies. I sat in discomfort as the film played on, serving department store mom realness.

So, in this episode of “The Real Housewives of Dallas,” I couldn’t help but relate to Kameron, who had a complete WTF moment when D’Andra brought a mannequin head called Captain Brandi on their required episode outing. It gave me flashbacks, and I thought to myself, “If I were there, I would take every opportunity to get rid of that mannequin head.” As the episode progressed, I hid under my covers as the housewives descended into chaos and silently judged as the Dallas ladies trekked upon their wine-ridden journey.

How did we get here, you may ask? Why does this mannequin exist? Is D’Andra losing it? Well, read on, as we dive into this week’s play-by-play.

Episode Four: Whine Connoisseurs 

We begin this week’s episode drenched in tequila from the night before. The housewives are hungover from Kary’s birthday party, where the ability to swim was apparently not a prerequisite for being pushed into the pool. Kameron invites Stephanie and Jen, a friend of the housewives, over to fight the hangover together, because in Kameron’s words, “Misery loves company.” D’Andra does something similar, inviting Brandi and Kary over. Thus begins a back and forth from pod to pod, with the basic takeaways being these four tidbits:

  1. D’Andra is taking COVID-19 precautions and is getting made fun of for it. She makes Brandi come through the back door and has their gathering outside. Brandi thinks that this is ridiculous, but D’Andra stands by it because of Brandi’s recent trip to Orlando. 
  2. The women were out until the crack of dawn, besides Tiffany. Brandi didn’t get home until 5am. They were so drunk that Kary doesn’t remember most of the night.
  3. Kameron is still bitter about Tiffany forcing her to eat a chicken foot.
  4. Kary doesn’t feel bad about pushing Tiffany, who can’t swim, into the pool without floaties or her swimsuit on. Tiffany wanted to have fun, according to Kary. Kameron, Stephanie and Jen said that they wouldn’t have been a good sport about being pushed in, and D’Andra mentions that Tiffany is the smartest person that she knows. Tiffany is basically decorated with published works, awards and recognition, and thus she’s worked hard to get where she is. Kary isn’t having it, saying that D’Andra gets caught up in titles in a confessional. Kary then makes it clear that Tiffany needs to find a balance, which she hasn’t found yet.

And now that we’ve chopped off the first chunk of the episode with a handy dandy numbered list, we move to Tiffany, who is getting her advanced cardiac life support (ACLS) recertification. This means that when I pass out after I meet Taylor Swift, Tiffany can legally offer to save my life. Thank goodness. Then, Tiffany struts her stuff and takes the ACLS test, and she aces it, saying, “ “Tests are my b*tch, tests are my jam.” She then joins her daughters, who, just like Mommy, are decked out in their lab coats. Tiffany says that she wants them to know that she’s good at her job. Her daughters, on the other hand, want Tiffany to stay home from work and spend time with them, which just adds to the tensions in Tiffany’s life. She’s apparently missed her daughter’s first steps and first words. Maybe she missed another first from her daughters when she was at Kary’s party.

Meanwhile, we head to the former birthday girl’s house for some quality time. Kary joins her daughter Olivia, whose hair is a vibrant purple. Olivia is a tad annoyed at Kary because Kary keeps bringing up her birthday. Olivia does a fabulous Kary impression and says, “No one cares that you’re turning 50” to the camera. Ouch. Moreover, Olivia is currently in Zoom classes just as half of the country is, and she’s doing okay. She deals with a lot of anxiety, as she’s an empath, and Kary didn’t know about her deep depression until last year. Olivia almost did something to herself, and Kary mentions that it was the hardest challenge that she’s ever faced. She also worries that Olivia will do something again, but Olivia is finding comfort in her mom. Their relationship has improved, and, to close out an endearing moment, Kary says, “I pray, every night, for her to be okay.”

Our next check-in is with D’Andra, who likes to try different medicines from different cultures. She has all of these droppers and sprays with products from different countries, and it’s beginning to look like a beauty bar in D’Andra’s house. Before we go full salon, however, Stephanie comes over. They’re planning Brandi’s 42nd birthday party, and D’Andra muses about how Brandi is such a great friend. Brandi bought D’Andra a necklace she couldn’t afford, so now that D’Andra has some moo-la, she wants to do something nice for Brandi. 

At the same time, we have a brief moment with Brandi, where she’s doing her daily affirmations. Don’t knock it until you try it folks, it really does help. She doesn’t want to really celebrate her birthday, because it feels like a burden to others. She believes that this is rooted in her lack of self love, thus the affirmations.

Anyway, back to D’Andra and Stephanie, who decide that the girls are headed to Grapevine. They’ll have to surprise Brandi, though, because it’s common knowledge that Brandi doesn’t like her birthday. They decide on Delaney Vineyards, where D’Andra is going to get a private room and tour. Or at least, she’ll try to. D’Andra doesn’t know how to use her computer.

Now it’s time to press play on “Keeping Up with the Hollmans” as we get a full Stephanie spot. Stephanie has a new office, and her husband, Travis is gone for the weekend. Stephanie and Travis made a deal that if she renovated and made the office look nice, he would make her a romantic dinner at the house. He doesn’t think she’ll do it, however, and he says that if she doesn’t, he deserves a back massage from her. Stephanie does not want to TOUCH his back, so she’s doing everything that she can to make her office look amazing. She doesn’t hire movers, enlists her mother and brother, and off they go. All the while, Stephanie is clearly harboring some ill feelings towards Travis, saying that he only spends money on himself.

While that’s happening, D’Andra is writing a letter to her long lost brother. Dear readers, remember that D’Andra and her brother’s relationship became fraught after her father died, and she’s trying to rebuild that bridge. She finishes the heartfelt letter and decides that she doesn’t like the post office, flashing back to LeeAnne Locken saying that the postal service loses 30% of the mail. So, D’Andra decides to deliver the letter by hand, putting on sunglasses and scarf to avoid being noticed. She delivers it to her brother’s mailbox, mission accomplished, and her husband Jeremy makes fun of her. 

And…back to Stephanie, who is really fixing up this drab office. She repaints it, and we get a bit of family history. Her parents worked together, Susan and Frank, and her mom says that she would never do it again. Stephanie then comes to the horrifying realization that she married her father, and she realizes that she wants to step out of the supportive background that Travis wants her in. She wants to prove him wrong. To be honest, I don’t really vibe with Travis, and I hope that Stephanie’s foundation does well.

And now for the main event: the party. All of the girls meet at D’Andra’s house, ready to travel on the “Double Dutch Bus”. D’Andra also invited a special guest: a mannequin that she is calling Captain Brandi. There’s no reason, just like there’s no reason why Kameron has pink glitter peers that make you poop glitter. D’Andra also bought all of the girl’s face shields, and away we go to surprise Brandi.

On the bus, the drama starts brewing even before Brandi boards. Kary roasts D’Andra for forgetting a wine opener, highlighting tensions that have been brewing in recent episodes. D’Andra remembers a time when she drove home “white knuckling” the steering wheel because Kary was giving her some pointers on how to run her business.

Finally we arrive at Brandi’s house, and Brandi doesn’t look too surprised. She comes with a portable toilet for the adventure (I know), and, like us all, does a double take at the creepy mannequin head. All of the housewives pile onto the party bus, which is equipped with a pole. All of the girls start showing their moves as the bus driver creepily looks back, and it’s clear that Jen is not a pole dancer. D’Andra then starts handing tequila shots out, and Kary does not want one. D’Andra gets upset, saying that Kary pressures everyone at parties, and she needs to take the shot. Kary retorts, yelling, “I don’t give you sh*tty shots.” Yikes.

The tensions only continue to bubble when we finally get to the vineyard, where Kameron throws Captain Brandi into a garden. It seems like the world is against D’Andra today, especially as Kameron tells the camera that D’Andra isn’t funny. That’ll sting when the housewives watch this season back. Anyway, when they enter the clubhouse of the vineyards, Kary immediately starts berating D’Andra, wondering if D’Andra even thought about the fact that Jen doesn’t drink alcohol. D’Andra is clearly getting frustrated, and the girls head out into the fields. They try the grapes, some complain about the seeds inside of them, and Kameron and Kary conspire to get rid of Captain Brandi. 

In the final act of the episode, the girls head into a wine cask adorned room where a table is waiting. Kameron and Kary are trying to get D’Andra to leave, as they want to get rid of Captain Brandi, however D’Andra does not follow some of the other women to the restroom. When Kary jokingly asks if D’Andra needs to go, D’Andra’s cap bursts, and she says that next time Kary throws a party, she’ll be sure to criticize every element, eventually going on to drag Kary’s business, saying that at least she’s running a business that is actually viable. Kary comes back saying that D’Andra gets checks from her mom, and D’Andra then defends herself, saying that she does more than plan parties. Then trying to celebrate Brandi (who is one of the bathroom goers), Kary says that D’Andra needs to stop complaining about working. D’Andra then says that Kary needs to stop complaining, period. Then, Kary, in a bold moment, says that she’s just pointing out everything that D’Andra didn’t do wrong, mentioning the center platter saying that D’Andra clearly didn’t do it because it’s beautiful. 

Finally, Brandi walks up, and Kary says to D’Andra that the birthday girl is back, she should pretend that they’re not fighting. D’Andra, in a defiant moment, says “Pretend all you want.” Oof.

Then, a “To Be Continued” title card taunts the viewer. Looks like this week’s episode is going to feature a Kary versus D’Andra showdown.

The Real Housewives of Dallas airs Tuesdays on Bravo at 8pm CST.