Photo Courtesy of Tommy Garcia, Virginia Sherwood, Jonathan Zizzo & Bravo

I’m fascinated by monster truck rallies. Don’t believe me? Well, I have an entire playlist (that I will not be sharing) on Spotify called “monster trucks.” It only has four songs as of now, but it’s meant for songs that just give off that “Monday, Monday, MONDAY!” vibe. I think that it’s so interesting that people sit and watch trucks flip and race. Sometimes, the trucks get destroyed by self-sabotage or the sabotage of others, and in a way, I understand it the appeal. It’s nice to see some destruction, especially when it feels like your world is falling apart. Seeing tangible, real things destroyed? What a great way to take out anger.

This week, we witnessed the destruction of the housewives. Kary and D’Andra specifically took shot after shot at one another, and I’m not talking about tequila shots, and it became clear that they will be on the rocks for a little bit. Other housewives stepped in and got involved, including newbie Dr. Tiffany Moon, and I’m convinced that everyone left with a bit of damage. These dents will take some time to repair, and as the season continues, it will be interesting to see where everything lands. 

But for now, take a look at this week’s recap, which I will warn discusses suicide and mental health.

Episode 5: Sour Grapes

Okay so, we’re picking up right where we left off. If you need a massive refresh, feel free to read my review from last week, but for now, here’s a Twitter-sized summary:

D’Andra and Kary are fighting at Brandi’s birthday party in Grapevine. D’Andra also brought a mannequin head that looks like Brandi to be “fun.”

Got it? So, we pick up with Brandi coming back from the bathroom, and Kary says to D’Andra to pretend like they’re not fighting. D’Andra, clearly miffed, scoffs at this, alluding to the drama that’s going to eventually ensue. But, before we can get there, Stephanie has a game for all of the girls to play. Called the panty game, everyone around the table had to decorate a pair of panties, and Brandi has to guess who decorated them. She does a great job at the guessing game, only missing Tiffany’s pair, which was a bit more risqué than the others.

Then we cheers to Brandi, and for a moment, I hoped that everything would be okay. However, we quickly descend into madness. The conversation shifts to Kary’s birthday party. Kary said that she woke up and wondered who she needed to apologize to. Tiffany quickly says me, and Kary defends herself, saying that she wanted to help Tiffany let loose. Kary thought that they were over this drama, but Tiffany clearly hasn’t let it go yet. Tiffany is a doctor with responsibilities, and she can’t drink every single night. Kary then says that she should have planned for the hangover and taken the next day off (hm). Tiffany makes it clear that she doesn’t have that luxury. Kary looks shocked that she can’t just take random days off, clearly astounded that people don’t live like her. It becomes clear that it’s the common working mom versus stay-at-home mom fight, and I wish for the ability to just “take some days off” here and there. 

D’Andra then, of course, butts into the conversation, saying that Tiffany’s a doctor, she’s going into the operating room everyday. No one understands. Kary tells D’Andra to shut up, and then everyone gets loud. Kary and D’Andra keep talking over one another, before Kameron jumps in and says that Tiffany is two-faced because Tiffany harassed her to take a shot at dim sum. She can’t get mad at others for making her drink. Oye. Here we go again with the dim sum and chicken feet. 

Kary agrees with Kameron, saying that Tiffany is very two-faced. Tiffany then takes this opportunity to have a learning moment, educating Kameron and Kary on what two-faced really means. Kary retorts after the explanation saying, “Sorry I’m Mexican” and Tiffany, confused, says, “Sorry I’m Chinese. OK whatever.” We then get into a conversation about how Kary doesn’t always understand what everything means. Tiffany doesn’t show any sympathy, saying that English wasn’t her first language either. Kameron then brings up the COVID girl situation, where Tiffany called Brandi COVID girl after telling Kameron not to call D’Andra that, and Kameron earns a priceless eye roll from Tiffany.

Kary then makes it clear that Tiffany is the biggest COVID-19 risk to them, as she works with patients. She says, “So, the COVID girl is you, by the way.” Now, with this comment, I joined Dr. Moon in an eye roll. She’s saving lives and helping individuals with COVID, and it’s frustrating that this is used against her. Tiffany responds in a perfect, sarcastic tone, saying, “Thank you so much for hanging out with me.” 

D’Andra then reenters the chat and gets on Kary for giving Tiffany a hard time. Kary says that she’s “not giving her a hard time, you bitch.” D’Andra responds with, “Yes, you are you bitch.” And the conflict continues to escalate. D’Andra, now in hysterics, said that she did the best she could with this party, and Kary isn’t having it, calling D’Andra dramatic. D’Andra swings back, saying, “And you’re not dramatic?” and Kary, in a moment that lacks self-awareness, says that she’s not, all while screaming at a grown woman across the table.

Real Brandi (not Captain Brandi, the mannequin head…thank goodness) yells at everyone to stop. Brandi knows that the world is crazy, and she just wants her girls to talk it out. Kameron says that’s what’s happening right now, which makes me nervous to ever get in a disagreement with Kameron. Brandi can’t believe that Kameron said that, and she says that friends are supposed to support one another, serving a true PBS Kids teachable moment. She says that she can’t understand the stress that Tiffany’s under, being a doctor and all, and Kary gets upset, saying that they all have different stresses. She reveals that her daughter has been suicidal. None of the women knew that, even Kary’s bestie Stephanie. Kary is tired of people saying that their lives are more stressful than hers, because she’s dealing with stress surrounding her daughter.

Even though Kary just revealed something traumatic happening in her and her family’s lives, D’Andra is still upset, saying that something was wrong with Kary. She’s upset that Kary brings her family situation as an excuse for her behavior, because she didn’t tell anyone until now. Stephanie then swoops in and says that Kary just shared something big, let’s give her space, which only confirms that I have a Stephanie-shaped hole in my heart. D’Andra, however, still isn’t having it, upset that Kary didn’t share this information with her. After Stephanie once again calls for all of the housewives to support Kary, D’Andra and Tiffany leave the table to go to the restroom.

And of course, the drama isn’t over yet. In the bathroom, Tiffany and D’Andra talk about the fight, with Tiffany deciding that she needed to apologize to Brandi because she hates when people fight at her events. Meanwhile, however, Kary is only poking D’Andra more, hiding Captain Brandi in the vineyard. When D’Andra and Tiffany come back and the girls decide to leave the winery, after Tiffany apologized to Brandi of course, the housewives play a game of “I Spy” to find Captain Brandi. D’Andra, clearly frustrated, says to the camera that she really wants Kary’s head on a stick. Of course, Kameron and Kary aren’t helping, only looking on, with Kameron saying, “Did they watch Blues Clues when they were little?” Maybe Steve and Magenta could have helped, but Stephanie comes out the victor, finding Captain Brandi among the grapes. “I should have left that bitch out there,” Stephanie says.

Then the housewives pile back onto the bus where Kary actually says the phrase “creepers jeepers.” They arrive at a bar in Grapevine, all sharing pickle shots. Kameron thinks that this is gross, not finishing hers, which is not shocking because Kameron has the diet of a five-year-old. Brandi then decides to teach all of the girls (and bartenders) how to shake their booties (Does anyone say booty anymore? Let me know). 

The fight between Kary and D’Andra still brews, with them engaging in their argument once more. D’Andra is upset that Kary doesn’t tell her anything, and Kary is upset that D’Andra doesn’t give her a chance to. As a matter of fact, Kary can’t remember the last time that D’Andra asked her about her life. D’Andra denies this, and we cut to a few confessionals of the housewives telling us that this is the case (oop).

Then, Stephanie pulls D’Andra aside and Kary pulls Brandi aside, and both Kary and D’Andra talk about their grievances with the other. D’Andra thinks that Kary wants her to fit into a particular friendship mold, and Kary thinks that D’Andra doesn’t understand the value of money. Brandi and Stephanie handle their respective conversations with grace, regardless of the fact that Brandi is consoling another on her birthday. Yeah, I would be mad.

We finally leave the bar, but not before Brandi and Kary pretend that the bartender’s “beard mask” is pubic hair. They take to the streets, showing off their new pubic locks.

The girls continue their reign of terror in a shop in Grapevine, where they decide to go drunk shopping. Stephanie finds a paddle and starts spanking people, yes, in the store, and says that she could absolutely be a dominatrix. But, cue “The Price is Right” losing music, because maybe Stephanie shouldn’t be one. As she’s checking out at the store, paddle in hand, it’s revealed that the “paddle” is actually a charcuterie board. Womp womp. 

Outside of shop, we continue to rehash D’Andra and Kary’s fight, as D’Andra talks with Brandi and Jen, a friend of the housewives. Brandi reveals that Kary thinks that D’Andra is self centered. D’Andra then proclaims that she’s done.

But she’s not, as we then sit down to dinner at a restaurant. Tiffany reveals that when she’s hungry she can eat over a dead body, Jen talks about her sobriety and D’Andra reveals that she used to do cocaine, before waxing about her life’s struggles. Somewhat confirming Kary’s earlier point, a fight then explodes between Kary and D’Andra after Kary says that D’Andra’s family situation isn’t in her court anymore. Literally all of the other housewives look exhausted, and I’m exhausted too. Nothing new is really revealed, other than the fact that D’Andra thinks that she is a good friend because she asked Kary’s daughter what kind of cake Kary would like for her birthday.

Brandi then, in a true moment of comedy, says that this was the perfect birthday for her. She doesn’t like her birthday and the attention being on her, so it was great that “everyone made it about themselves.” Ouch.

Finally, we get out of this Brandi birthday hell, and the birthday party ends (thank goodness). We then do some housewife spotlights, highlighting Kary and Tiffany. First, Kary’s daughter Sofia is helping her with her business, and Kary briefs Sofia on the D’Andra fight. The comment that hurt Kary the most was when D’Andra said that she had the only “viable business” out of the two of them. Kary’s business means so much to her, and that was a low dig. Kary then asks Sofia how she’s dealing with the divorce. Sofia doesn’t want to talk about it though, but Kary apologizes for not being there anyway. Sofia, looking completely uninterested, wants to change subjects. Kary thinks that this is a red flag, which I agree with, and Kary laments about how she wasn’t there for her kids as much as she should have been.

Meanwhile, Tiffany is hanging out with her kids, Chloe and Maddie. They’re working on their subtraction, and the twins are above grade level, which Tiffany loves. However, Tiffany then leaves the girls with her assistant, Taylor, and goes to talk to her husband, Daniel. A recurring struggle, Tiffany talks with Daniel about her work life balance. She wants to be there around her daughters more, but because of how she was raised, she feels like she can’t cut back on her hours. Describing her childhood as lonely, she feels like she doesn’t really have a choice in terms of work, because her parents moved to the United States for her. She feels like she has to repay them. “No matter what, I’m disappointing somebody,” Tiffany says, eyes streaked with tears.

And that is where the episode ends. Will Tiffany cut back on her hours? Will Kary and D’Andra get into some monster trucks and have it out? Will I like Stephanie’s husband more next week? I hope, but only time will tell.

The Real Housewives of Dallas airs Tuesdays on Bravo at 8pm CST.

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